Unless of course, you are actually a porn star…
In the age where young adults can access porn easier than they can information on that essay they should be writing, there is the fear that sex is being damaged by this Porn Pandemic as people would rather imitate the latest ‘Back Door Bettie’.
The problem is, is that men may think a sex session should comprise of more positions than the average yoga lesson and that legs do stretch at 180 degree angles. Women (fortunately) rarely have a washboard stomach with giant talon nails and a lust for cock that would rival a KFC lovers. Women are also guilty of this gender stereotyping- your bloke is NEVER going to be Mr Christian Grey, not even if he changes his name, joins a gym and wins the lottery. The Christian Grey’s of the world are reserved for naive, vanilla 19 Year old’s with modest beauty, brains and doting parents and a killer figure, the average looking woman that eats when she’s upset and does sleep with that good looking Spanish guy doesn’t stand a chance.
What happened to the good old ‘fumble on the doorstep’ and the ‘over-too-quickly hand job with that girl behind the beach huts on your yearly trip to Cornwall’? Young adults are experimenting with things that the majority of their parents didn’t know existed.
Porn films provide an unrealistic expectation of sex- clean, hairless, noisy and with women that can squirt for hours on end while their male counterpart jizzes enough to ice a very large cake. In reality, it is noisy, in all the wrong ways. The headboard does bang annoyingly against the wall and the legs squeak too much (By the way, Lubricant will temporarily fix that!).
We have a few products that can improve your sex and make it more satisfactory than those porn films hidden in his Dads Army DVD cases:
Sexual positioning is important during sex, and not always being able to reach those special spots is frustrating and can lead to painful accidents. We have two particularly great products to help you bend like a Japanese gymnast- our Fetish Fantasy Incredible Sex Stool will allow for cunnilingus, comfortable cowgirl and cowgirl in reverse, great for leaning over in doggy and just making different positions a little easier and a little more entertaining. You can buy our Sex Stool for £85 (which is bloomin’ cheap!) although if you join up as a member, you get £10 off your first order!
Our next product is the Fantastic Fetish Fantasy Door Jam Sex Swing– the perfect product for some risky positioning! The swing can hold up to 300lbs or two average people (although only one person needs to be on the swing at a time). It loops over the top of the door and when the door is closed, it holds the swing perfectly in place. This swing is great for that romantic ‘held up against the wall sex that you wish you could enjoy but are too heavy for your man to even attempt to lift you’ and various other exciting positions you never thought you could achieve!
The moral of the story is, you are not a porn star and nor is your lover. You will never have the highly unrealistic sex that you see on the computer screen but why would you want it? Normal sex is so much more satisfying and it gives you something to explore later on in life, because you haven’t exhausted all of your sex knowledge on your second date!